Elaine's Blog

just bcuz it's funny as fuck... literally....

2005-12-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

SEX FACTS ! ! ! !-- Something they dont teach you in P.E. --Kissing someone for 1 minute burns 26 calories.

Giving oral sex massages the jaw... while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins. And it whitens your teeth.

Having nice SEX burns 358 Calories.

Having RoUgH SEX burns 543 calories. **<---(make it hurt)**

Repost this bulletin in the next 15 minutes & your crush will give you something special tomorrow. IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW AND AWEFUL SEX FOR A YEAR

and yes i AM a virgin.. i just so happen to think this is funny

useless survey... Julie's blog!

2005-12-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

yeah... i kno i havent posted in a shit long time... but o well, yall can deal w/ it... i found some of these things... so.. yeah... lol... you can read em.... i'm bored.....

I'VE only KISSED 34 DIFFERENT WAYS! (not necessarily with tounge.... just kissed...)

1. [x]on the cheek
2. [x] on the lips
3. [x] on their hands or fingers
4. [] in my room… wait a tic…. No… nvm… =)
5. [x] in their room… or was it his sisters? I think it was his….
6. [x] of the opposite sex
7. [x] of the same sex
8. [x] in a different state
9. [x] a little younger than me
10. [x] a little older than me
11. [x] with black hair
12. [x] with curly hair
13. [x] blonde hair and blue eyes
14. [x] with red hair
15. [x] with straight hair
16. [x] shorter than me
17. [] with a lip ring
18. [x]who i truly love/loved(at the time)
19. [] who was drunk
20. [x] who was high
21. [?] in the morning
22. [?] right after waking up
23. [] just before bed
24. [x] late at night
25. [x ] who I had just met (no tounge)
26. [x] who I really didn't want to kiss
27. [x] while i was going out with some else *slaps self*
28. [x] on a bed
29. [] in a graveyard… I wish….
30. [x] at school
31. [] against a wall
32. [x] at a dance
33. [] at a show (concert)
34. [] at the beach or lake… I don’t… think….
35. [] in a pool
36. [x] who was/is a good friend
37. [?] in the rain… I don’t remember nemore….
38. [ ] with an std… HELLS NO
39. [x] in a car/taxi/bus
40. [x] at a party
41. [ ] on a plane
42. [] in the movies
43. [] in a bathroom
44. [x] in the dark
45. [ ] on a roof top
46. [ ] under water
47. [] with a tongue
51. [ ] a stranger
52. [x] more than one person at once
53. [] goodbye forever
54. [] when i was drunk
55. [] who didn't speak english
56. [] in a firetruck
57. [] on a playground
58. [] on a bench… well … kind of bench… ish… it as actually the side of a road used as a bench for us….
59. [ ] in a hot tub
60. [ ] in the ocean
61. [] on the floor
62. [] on a table
63. [ ] in the shower
64. [] on a trampoline
65. [ ] in the tubes at mcdonalds/burger king… lol… gotta try that one… “mommy mommy look! …”
66. [ ] on a cruise
67. [] in the snow
68. [x] under the stars
69. [ ] on a ski lift
70. [ ] in an elevator
71. [x] while chewing gum
72. [] on a chair

UNGROUNDED BIOTCHES

2005-09-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

scuse my french. lol. but i'm SO HAPPY. i dont have to limit my phone or comp use for a couple of days (yes it's only a couple of days ... shi-poopie) BUT I DONT CARE BECAUSE TOMORROW IS MY BDAY!!

i wont tell u how old i'll be. i think i'm too old for my physical age, and if me and one of my brother's had switched bdays it would be more suiting.

But no matter. i'm going to have an awesome party!!!!!!! it's going to be so fun. hopefully i will remain innocent (with a cold/caugh)

......

i hope every1 can come. danny's mom just rsvp'd for him (gosh) and hector ppls better show- and call me on my bday. because i would die on my bday if they didnt. and how depressing is THAT

well, next par. will be #7 and so i'll be going soon. but b4 i bid you all farewell i would like to say that i am in an extremely good mood- so enjoy it while u can. school tomorrow will totally ruin it.

love love kiss kiss, me

Yeah yeah yeah

2005-08-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

current "obsession" - solitude/ amy lee.

guess what i'm listening to.... lol. 'when will this hole in my heart be mended? who now is left alone but me? ooh solitude 4ever me 4ever u ooh solitude only u only true. every1 leaves me stranded forgotten abandoned left behind. i cant stay here another night. your secret admirer- who could it be? ooh, cant u c all along it was me? how could u be so blind as to c right through me? solitude still w/ me is only you. ooh, solitude i cant stay away from you. solitude 4ever me 4ever u. ooh solitude only u only true... " ect ...

neways! i'm finally updating this thing. Congratulations. lol.

i'm so sad that every1s leaving. kody, the twins, kobi (well no duh kobi) ... witch shucks. i'm home alone- world be worried... egh, i didnt do nething. .. well, i walked to the t rix. .... but all i got was gum and a fuse. .... hehe. dude- i'm SO not walking past the church nemore. cuz this bald headed dude tried to give me a ride. ... and that's the church where the ppl take advantage of the Christians' trustworthiness. creepy ppl..... but i'm home now. obv. so... yeah....

*starts solitude over*

well, i suppose i'll ttyl

Elaine

Ecce Gratum

2005-07-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, umm, i'm bored...... i finally found the translation for Ecce Gratum- it sounds awesome as hell... but... its kinda in latin...

Ecce gratum et optatum Ver reducit gaudia. purpuratum floret pratum. Sol serenat omnia. iamiam cedant tristia! Aestas redit, nunc recedit Hiemis saevitia. Iam liquescit et decrescit grando, nix et cetera. Bruma fugit, et iam sugit Ver Aestatis ubera. illi mens est misera, qui nec vivit, nec lascivit sub Aestatis dextera. Gloriantur et laetantur in melle dulcedinis qui conantur, ut utantur praemio Cupidinis. simus iussu Cypridis gloriantes et laetantes pares esse Paridis.

and it's really like....

Behold, the welcome and desirable Spring brings back joys. The brightly coloured meadow is in flower. The sun brightens everything. Now let sorrows depart! Summer returns, now the rage of Winter retires.
Now hail, snow and the rest turn to water and flow away. Winter flees and already Spring sucks at the breasts of Summer. He bears an unhappy heart who neither lives nor plays under Summer's right hand.
They who strive to enjoy the reward of Cupid rejoice and take pleasure in honey sweetness. Let us be at the command of the Cyprian (Venus), glorying and rejoicing to be the equals of Paris.

hehe, theres one happy song i like. i read the lyrics to Lee, and he was like... 'oh yeah, that's ur song,' sarcastically that is... neways- we got on to him picturing me skipping through a feild of flowers... and he was like 'i can picture it- but it would be mean' and i got him to tell me... and it was effing hilarious. "if u did that then god would come out and be like 'NO... NO' and shet like that. and .. yeah.. apparently it's just not meant to be... lol. lofl.... i'm in one of those moods today. well, i have to go vacume so i can make it 2 julie's house. wich is like... @ 630 so i dont know y my dad's making such a big woopdie deal about it.

TES, WWFS,
Elaine

L8ly

2005-07-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hey ppl, what b up? i'm bored... really... really... bored. blegh. o well, i wasnt for a long time. yesterday i went to Lee's house. i felt small. good thing he's pretty much my height. that made me happy =). o well, and the day b4 that i went to the movie's. DARK WATER IS SO NOT SCARY. every1 around me was all... jumpy.... but i didnt jump once. maB once- but i dont think so. it was way too predictable. but still good. scary or not. kisten and annie were there too. i went w/ briony and sharyl. and we met up w/ kody, nathan, and nathan apel. (who btw is patrick) lol. just like Adam is 'Joe'.

i'm seriously grounded from the comp. but cing as my parents r gone... lol. i'm so glad they're @ work. but i havent had time to take the iq test. i'm going to SUK @ it- o well. not my fault... welll actually it is partially... WHATEVER! i dont care..... blegh

on Thursday i'm gonna go to WRC =) YAYNESS.

YOU PPL NEED TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please. lol.

3he. i'm bored............... really... really... bored (and repetitive) lofl.

TES,
Elaine <3

Hey PPL

2005-06-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

hey... i'm obv back from bandcamp............................................................... hehehe, i luv ..................................................................'s lol. well, i'm bored. honestly tho..... heheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. boooooooorrrrrrrred. yeah, umm, everything's great.... just wanted to update this stupid.... NVM!

chainsaws, blunts, and gamecubes,
Elaine

Band Camp

2005-06-20T04:49:00.000-07:00

HAHA its time for band camp so i'm leaving u all. i'll b back on friday =) i get to escape my house and wear heavy black make^ beecause i can :) hehehehe... so i'll talk to you all l8er. i think i might try to sneak the cell phone and call my mom from it and b like 'omg, i accidentally carried it on the bus' and then make the best of the 'accident' lol.. i wish.

well, i g2g. leaving =)

strawberry shortcake mesh gauntlets and chocolate,

Elaine

Mesh Gauntlets, Hot Sauce, And Chocolate

2005-06-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

lol, guess what? the clowns and cocroaches got used out... so... obv. i have a new one! lol, i'm in a good mood 2day. =) i talked 2 kp on AIM and meet on the phone. megan, he says call him. i would tell kris to tell her, but she's been idle for 20 minutes.

i'm dying my hair purple, its gonna be f ucking sweet! especailly since i've started to straighten it =)

SO HAPPY!

o yeah, i also talked to josh, poor thing. his g/f broke up w. him 2days ago. *sighs* i'm sorry josh (who will probably never read this anyway) but still, it makes me feel better to say it.... can u tell i'm perky 2day?

hehehe, i guess i'll ttyl ppl!

mesh gauntlets, hot sauce, and chocolate!
(i love that)
Carrie Elaine Becker =)

Hey

2005-06-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey, i've been back a while....

megan- r u or r u not going out w/ meet? i'm confused.........

neway, the trip was pretty fun.. i found meet's cd's and i listened to them so much i memorised some of the songs.... that i had'nt already... lol. - he actually has some music that isn't shitty

well, i g2g dudes

LEAVING THIS REDNECKVILLE

2005-06-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

hahahah. i'm leaving arkansas. 4 now. i'll b back on saturday...... in whatever carolina- THEY DONT HAVE A COMPUTER!!! how am i supposed 2 live!?!?!?! o well, if ya'll wanna get a hold of me, call my mom's cell @ (501) 240-9973 - especailly u megan. cuz i want that favor. and we need 2 talk about the................... situation. megan megan megan, hahaha, ok, i'm done w. that.

they dont have NETHING no cd player, no computer, HELL i'm surprized they have a car! not only that, but i cant goth out the entire time. I HATE STUPID TRIPS LIKE THIS. especailly cuz i have 2 wear a skirt and shirt that ISNT BLACK. no black 2 the wedding.................. @ MY wedding theres ONLY gonna b black. the only good thing is this: if i'm good, and dont get in NE trouble, and am not "bad" @ all, my dad'll buy me tarrot cards.
00000000000=)
well, my mom is gonna b pissed if i dont get off the computer soon, like, NOW. everything's ready. now i have 2 take a stupid drive. WISH ME LUCK

elaine

I'm Finally Back To This

2005-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

dang............... Jesal's mad @ me. that suks majorly. i luv her 2 death, but sometimes we just dont get along. it's bcuz i like hanging out w. ppl that arent exactly my age, like, 13 and up. usualy about 15. but that's bcuz they're my maturity level. how many 12 yr olds do and think on my level? yeah.... i'm 12, not 13. but i'm practically 13. i ACT older then 13. now, maB if i didnt grow up w/ older brothers, i woudl act 12, but since i DO have a 15 yr old, and 17 yr old brother, i act older then i really am. she tends 2 listen 2 my friends about a lot of sh!+ when she should really b talking 2 me. hey, i still luv her 2 death, and i think she's great. but i just wish that we could go a while w/out fighting.

well, 2day i'm shoping 4 sh...stuff. i have 2 get a dress 4 my Aunt TT's wedding. and a bathing suit 4 the same occasion as well as... well, whenever i need it. i think i'm getting shoes 2. yeah, nice. i wish u could wear black 2 weddings. then, i could shop at Hot Topic and get awesome cloths. i dont think i can c myself in a white dress..... or nething close to pretty

dude, i feel like shet. i still feel bad that seth h8s me. he's one of.... possibly 2 or 3 ppl that can lighten my mood. he's seen the... not so sober..... part of me. and that's not kool. so now he thinks shet about me that just isnt true. and i'm hoping he can know the real me in time 2 4get what he saw at Chance's party. i dotn even know what i got... not so sober... off of.

i stopped liking JD. he's an ass hole. i mean, he's pretty kool sometimes. but he think's i'm... not the way i am... and he judged me way 2 quickly. i seriously am close 2 h8ing him. he's......... well he's just him and 4 the sake of not cussing up a storm, i'll just move on 2 a poem

these angel wings i've sprouted
are turning black with hate
i'm trying to know what love is
but my heart can only ache
if so many hadnt pushed and pulled and made me who i am.
then maybe my heart could open up
and let some1 understand
but i've cried crimson tears
and watched them flow away
only to feel the pain
of when they came back again
my black lace dress is caked
in memories and broken dreams
it flows to the sun
burning with the passion i cannot see
so i close my eyes
and i weep
so as the moon comes to my presence
i can finally open my eyes
feel the cold night inside
and be content with darkness

© Elaine Becker

of course, it's not my best. but i'm kinda.......... right now........ none the less i hope u all enjoyed it!

luv yall much,
Elaine

2005-06-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

ok, so this entryi 'm going 2 NOTR corrent ne of my typing errors, just 2 c how it's gonna turn out. as u can tell , not so good. =P o well, dislezic me. damit... dislexic* damnit* HAHA, i CAN do it. o well, not only cnat i not type, i JUST painted m y fingernails. lolz, well, lets just c how this goes...

well, about 20 min. ago i broke up w/ angel. i'm hoping 2 get JD, but i might not. i'm also hoping (desperately02 go 2 chanve's party. chance is great, but i dont think we would work out. idk what's up w. me,,,,, but hey.... not my fault. acutally, IT IS ENTIRLEY my fault, so swe me. no, dont do that! jsut get over it. SO MABY ERRORS! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

o well, lemme say something...... now what was i gonna say. o well, i'll type it l8er. as 2 now. well, 4* now,. i'll say that the thought that po[[ed into my head swas EXTREMELY peculiar... i saw a dog, and then thought, dont get hit by the ice cream truck,. then i thought of something along the lines of it hitting it, and thne something about the icream maen and rape, nad dome other shet. and, some* dang, not correcting is SHET........ o well. i cnat' believe i was thinking about rape w/ the icream man. ice cream* DA,MOT................ *sighs& we;;. o', going 2 engd this stupid post now b ne mreo errors occur....... that woudl b, more*, and b4, and would* DAMNIT.......................... told yall i was dieslecit........ deslexic, D.I.S.L.E.X.I.C

L8ER

In Precious Memory Of Mocha

2005-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, my favorite cat, Mocha, died 2day. He was hit by a car in the head. I cried and cried and various thoughts popped into my head.
Y did he get let out?
If i hadnt been so greedy then Jhakobi would have him and he never would've gotten hit.
Is he in hell?
Why did god take him away?
God took him away in representation of a light and cute part of my life dying
God hates me
God had to teach me how to appreciate life the hard way]
Why did it have to be Mocha?
It couldnt have been ne1 else or i wouldnt have learned the lesson
Why him, i loved him
It's not fair
I can't believe they saw me cry
Why couldnt i have found him b4 then, he wouldnt b dead
Why
I'll never 4get him
Mab he's in a bette place
and many other things

My mom had 2 fucking cary him home. I herd her scream and i thought that it might have been in delight. but i looked out and i saw his bloody fur and i immediately had tears in my eyes. it wasnt a scream of joy, it was a wail of misery. She found him in a ditch, she said he was probably trying 2 find his way home. Then she told me that he got hit in the head and so he didnt even know what happened. He would've been home safe, but the car came then IT'S NOT FAIR. i watched that cat's birth. I loved him so dearly. I was making a flyer for him and then i looked out the window 2 c................ c that he was dead. And then this is what i thought

If my mom's crying this much over a cat, how would she b if i died?
I cant believe that winston doesnt even care
then cont of the y..

it's sad. just b4 that happened i was totally calm. consumed by my own worries and fret, thinking y my mom was so bent on finding him. Thinking of how theres no way my cat could just die like that. i was so not worried. i thought my mom was seriously overreacting. i still cant believe it.

*tears filling eyes*

i remember his birth... December 26th 2001.

*tears running down face*

and now he's gone. i'm so extremely sad, i dont even know if i can enjoy Seether 2day. and what's worse is yesterday was my mom's birthday. we went to riverfest and she was friggin happy. mocha was fine then. but 2day, he's dead and she's so sad. that's just the best birthday present ever! *tasts the tear on the left corner of lip*

we burried him in the front yard, under a tree. that way he will grow with it an we'll always have him with us. i put an orange rock over his body. i miss him so

IN THE PRECIOUS MEMORY OF MY BELOVED CAT, MOCHA, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM!

The thoughts of bugs bunny and his imaginary friends

2005-05-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this is gonna b an interesting week.. is it not? f'd/ inc'd my abc book (as if i care) and i'm putting makeup on Chance 2 morrow, and on wednesday i'm starting piano lessons w/ Julie as my teachor. wich is kool, cuz i wanna talk 2 stew and rach when i walk 2 mills, that is, If i can walk 2 mills, we'll c how that turnes out... CHANCE IS GONNA LOOK SEXY IN MAKE^ WOOOHHH! i h8 2 say but i still can;t remember a time when i was TRULY happy, like, faking and acting and having false senses of security, but not actually happy. i also think i'll get chance 2 get a blog, so i can keep up w. him. and i'm hoping he'll have an end-of-the-year party at his house.... his bro's in college and he has 8th grade, and mills friends... WHAT IN THE MESS COULD B EFFING FUNNER? NOTHING!!!!! chance is the type of person i can act happy around. and i think i'm getting 2 where he's 1 of the few friends my age that i can openly talk 2. u know what? ther's only like, 4 ppl my age that i can talk 2 about crap.... wierd huh? i have like, 9th grade friends and shet. it suks, cuz by the time i get 2 mills, julie'll b a senior, and so will Jesal and i think Stew, and Rachel.... stew is in 9th is he not? idk, but i still feel like nething i say can and will b repeated... not cuz i dont trust them.... it's more of cuz i knwo i'm so paranoid that i actually kept a knife at my night stand (i might add some1 took that out-probably w/ good cause) neways, lemme c how this looks if i move my hands into the wrong position 4 typing...

U KIVR SNGRK DI NYVH!!!!!!!!!

hehe, that's funny.... well, i think that's enough 4 this entry, i'll try and end it w/ a nicely twisted poem...

i'm a little girl, so young, so senile. my mind was wasted on sugar, shit, liks, and sins. how will i live? and how will i die? will i grow old and forget my morals? will i perish in the firey pits of hell. the kind u can only reach by not dying. then bugs bunny will pop up from the walls and ask me y i killed him and laughed? god, IT'S BECAUSE U LAUGH! U NEEDED TO DIE! u were too happy, and this world must see the hell that i see. every night before i take my pills. and od, then i am reincarnated b4 ne1 knows i FUCKING DIED. BUGS BUNNY WILL YOU SAVE ME? but he's too busy dying a thousand times. over and over the road runner killed him. then went goth and i did his make^ every morning. he died too, he committed suicide w/ tweety bird. they all died- in my head. it's all in my head, it's all in my head, it's all in my head, it's all in my head, it's realy just all in my head... or is it?

I Do So Reply

2005-05-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever known someone?
I don’t think you have
I know I wore a mask

You don’t know me

Some people have to fade
If they can’t stand the real you
No matter what you do
It’s just not there

You still don’t know me

Do you know about the times
Where you were the only person there
And you just thought it was me
It wasn’t me that cared

You don’t know me

Do you know that you’ve hurt me
More then I’ve hurt you
No matte how you think I lie
All I speak is the truth

You don’t know me

And I have always been honest
You just never asked
Now I know myself but hey…

Now you know me

Now that I’m me
And I show my true self
You tell me to change back
When I was never really there

And you say what makes you happy
Is the part of the old me still there
But you know that isn’t possible
It was all fake

Do you really WANT to know me?
For what it's worth i did love you too

For a friend that doesn’t care anymore, I cared, I tried to be there, the real I tried to b there, and you wouldn’t let me. I can change back, but I don’t want to be fake again.

I HAVE MY BUDDY BACK

2005-05-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

I swear, i am so happy that me and kris said we were being b's and got over it. well, i know i got over it, cuz i luv her dearly and i hope we dont get into another shitty fight again. YAY 4 US! (although i totally think i was bing the WAY bigger bitch) i am really really really happy! :)

evening w/ the arts was fun, but lyssy didnt get 2 come home w/ me.... WAAAH, o well, i still got 2 spend time w/ my sexy bitch chance, my lesbian lover kris- as well as julie, and megan, and also i got 2 c rachel and keely... ceely? keelie? ceelie? god damnit i needa know how 2 spell her name... *sighs*

o yes, and 2morrow i'm going 2 Julie's house, then the mall on sunday, and rahcel and ari and maB jesal r gonna b there. idk if jesal is coming, maB, but like i said, idk.

notice:

PLEZE DISREGARD THE POST ABOUT RACHEL BCUS I WAS BEING AN EFFING BIOTCH, PLEZE ACCEPT MY APPOLOGIES, THANK YOU

lolz

ttyl ya'll

Rachel

2005-05-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

u know what i was JUST about 2 do? call kristen "rachel" and ask her 2 4give me. and i was JUST about 2 go wollow in my utter depression till me and her were finally friends again. well, then i read her update "Meet and Carrie" and i was just frustrated and broken all at the same time. NO1 Knows how i feel, but i have nothing 2 hide, this is my last act of desperation.... i am actually going 2 post all of my thoughts, emotions, all the stuff that makes me up. and u know what? i hope yall r happy

kristen, she's been stabbing my back since the 3rd grade, and i cant even remember when she did and i cant even tell what was the truth and waht were lies nemore. she has been my best friend so many times, maB 2 many. she will never understand the emotions that come ever time some1 says her name. she strives 2 b an indivdual, seh loves the same kinda things that i luv, and yet somehow 1 of us always seems 2 betray teh other. i know she h8's me, and in a way it is breaking down my very sanity... i'm pondering suicide once again, not the 1st or probably the last time. what if i die 2night? but u know what, if we dont make up, i will never have 2 worry about her stabbing me in hte back nemore. but that would only hurt, i would only blame myself as i had 4ever. and will, i'll always b the same. i want 2 b her friend, bcuz who was it that would always tell me the truth? who knew pretty much how 2 react 2 every 1 of my poems? who could always bring me 2 do something i would otherwize not have the will 2 do? who was the 1st person that made me eat when i hadnt 4 the better part of a week? but who was the person who tried 1 impeach me after all of maB 1 day after i got the class Secretary postition? who was the person making me stress about my miserable life every damn day 4 over a month? BUT who was it that i turned 2 when i was feeling so very depressed that 1 lonely day? and do we not all make mistakes? i cant honestly say i've never hurt her, i know i have, and i know i was sorry then and am now... she will probably never believe that i would die if only 2 c her live, she will probably never ever believe that i thought of her more then i thought of Meet when i was going 2... end my time.... she probably wont even believe that i still care. and no matter how i would try 2 deny it, like the shallow bitch i am, i will always love her. and i want her 2 b there again, how could i cope w/ life knowing htat my sister since the 3rd grade couldnt stand me? how could i live................?

meet, when it comes right down 2 it. there's a diffrence between like, luv, and love. these are all feelings that (much 2 many's dismay) cannot b helped. YOU CNAT DO NETHING ABOUT IT! you CANT stop it, so try if u will, it wont happen. i like meet, if we were in the 9th or 10th grade, then i could c us going out. but u know what? i kinda have an obligation... u know... that dream wedding, Desere Marie Thomas- or James Angel Thomas, that dream job as the koolest shrinks ever (wich also involved Rachel- how could i w/out her?). i honestly dont know if Angel is all 4 that, but i could c us 4ever. maB it wont work out, and u know what, it PROBABLY wont. but i ahve never been one of the typical teen statistics, i dont wanaB. idk where my love will take me, but honestly if Rach doesnt wanna hold me up 4 my promise, i cnat change her mind and i'm not 1 2 try and change ppl. ehy, me and meet could happen, but there's no promise, and i love angel. not like- l. o. v. e. and u know what? i've always been the person who couldnt decide, whether i like it or not, i'm one of many who r like that............

i either love ppl or cant stand them. i feel as tho if i lvoe u, i should b able 2 act like i do w/out some1 tellling me what 2 and what not 2 do. FUCK U (not directed 2 ne1 in particular- xcept mrs. stevens) who i'm glad will NEVER read this fucking thing. YAY = ) Neways, i am just like jesal in this way. i love to love.

i am lost, i have what ppl think is flaugh, but w/out these "bad things" i can't live. there always has 2 b something fucked up or else i'll make it that way. damnit, that sucks big dik. *sighs* i'm all out of meaning 4 a life, i'm done posting till l8er. i love u rachel, rene, meet, lyssy, every1.

o yes, currently

lesbian lover(s)- Julie
real b/f- Angel
sexy b.- Chance
sexy lesbian b 2- Megan ( i think)
lesbian lover x- supposedly Kristen- once again- i think
not lesbian lover- Meet

lolz, i am fucking sick and twisted, what the hell is wrong w/ me? i desperately need 2 c a shrink... but a peer shrink... how effing impossible.... *sighs* i guess i'll just have 2 b warped and twisted..... *twitches uncontrollably*

1 last thought

I LOVE ANGEL, HE MAKES ME HAPPY, I GET 2 C HIM, 2MORROW, HE IS SO SEXY, AND I LOVE HIM, AND I ET 2 C HIM, AND LYSSY GET S 2 MEET HIM... HE'S REALLY SEXY, I HOPE HE MISSES ME.... so on so forth

this is the comment i gave 2 rachel, 1 of my "best friends"

2005-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

well i do, and it's not a BAD thing cuz i have a gorgeous b/f, i love ANGEL, i might like meet, but notice like* and love*, kris, i told u i wasnt gonna tell meet... that doesnt make me scared to, but i dont give a sheet whether or not u like it or not, i dont just go up hurting friends feelings just cuz they like me. i mean, yeah i have a b/f but i can't BLAME him 4 caring... not like u would know what it feels like 2 care 4 some1, u obviously dont care about me......

it seems like as soon as we're actually closest of friends, something happens... of course it's my effing fault. and that's something i'm gonna have 2 live w/ but u know what? she basically jsut went behing my back sayin she was mad and acted all friensly when we were at school.... how much sense does that make... it seems as though she can only type the truth, but y cant she just tell me 2 my face? i know i'm stupid or else i would get it but hey, i stopped caring horribly about it bcuz i know the same thing happens every time..... i jsut wish......... i wish 2 much. FUCK IT!

i'm sorry i'm me, but that's 1 thing i jsut cant help

WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAA

2005-05-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A FUCKING MISERABLE LIFE...... now that i have THAT out of my system..... lol.....

well, this weekend was kool, although ari and rachel didnt make it 2 the party, and i had 2 play 10 fingers.... i cant believe that there were 4 ppl left when i got out.... but atleast Devin and Julie and some other ppl were already out. of course Bijal and Jesal were the last ones, and of course Bijal, the innocenterest one, won the game. good 4 her =) that makes me happy! (w/out a sarcastic tone) U know what else makes me happy? FOAMY!!!!!! >=) how very cute and evil he is! so adorable.... well, other then a fucking ear infection, i'm fine... OWWY!

Well, g2g dudes
Elaine

A Shallow Entry. lots bout how ppl notice my appearnce and meaningless things

2005-05-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, i have good news ppl. it's been a while, but i'm not currently listening to SOAD. although i was early listening to "my self ritious suicide. i, cry, when angels deserve 2 die...." now i'm listening to a mixed cd that Meet burned 4 me. (i just luv meet) I get 2 go 2 Julie's party 2morrow. YAY! i get 2 get out of my effin heck hole i call a home. and i get 2 c Ari, who i havent cn since like, March. wich suks cuz she's kool. yeah.... i'm gonna ride home w/ Bijal and Jesal and they're gonna take me there. that rokcs

"like the shadow that's by your side. i';ll b there..." - this i swear.

I have a sinus headache 2day (OWWWWYYYYYY) It suks d!ck. i couldnt focus and i bombed orchestra, socail studies, and band. HOW CRAPPY CAN U GET? *sighs*

i 8 mexican 2day too, cuz my parents and me went out to eat. o, i'm sorry, my parents and I went out 2 eat. WUTEVER!
"she said boy i'm tired of waiting up while u'r out w/ u'r friends he said mom i'm trying and i'm living my life the best way that i can...."

an awesome song..... 2morrow i cant continue my diet, i''ll b at julies. that rocks ( cough cough! i need to lose some MAJOR weight.

but i felt kinda good 2day. i was walking down the hallway and i overherd some traditional kids (that i didnt know) argueing. "that's my girl right there...." "not she's my girl..." no....." blah bla blah. point is i was flattered. po'd at these ppl i didnt know when every1 knows i'm Angels girl, but they base things on looks. that means i'm good looking, also. cameron b. made a (really really wrong) comment on how my butts getting smaller. wich i would take more offense to had i not been aiming for a smaller jean size. i about slapped him for that observation, knowing that he WOULD b the 1st one 2 notice. and knowing how he could compare (the a$$ hold mother effing son of a.....) NEVERMIND. but atleast i know that i'm getting smaller and a bit prettier. YAY!

my life is still meaningless and dismal. i still think i'm ugly and hopeless. pitiful, crap, but that's ok. wutever. ttyl yall!

luvmuch, Elaine.

Nm 2 say

2005-05-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

just because

Kobi Jamerson

2005-04-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well, this entry is gonna b just 4 Kobi. her blog is @ www.kobikeepsitreal.blogspot.com and she told me 2 tell ya'll bout it.

Kobi is 1 of my best frien..... no. Jhakobi has been 1 of my "sisters" since the 3rd grade. she is so awesome, she's fun to b around, and she's never just the same. who could STAND just being the same? *shiver-yuck* dude, if she could come to my party of 10 kool friends, then i would kick Angel off the guest list just to let her come. (that's what i told her 2) and Kob, if u didnt get my email then:

IM SORRY *puppy eyes, sniffle* ima call u 2morrow 2!
No, I'm not annerexic, i'm sometimes a bit NOS, but if i was anerexic, then i woudl look like a ghost- i know i sometimes dont eat... but other times i binge. and i dont binge and purge.... gross.
as 4 suicidle- not nemore. only the crap that i already told u. u know, when u asked at meg's and kris's. so 2 answer u'r question, ya, that crap happened, but note the past tense. dont worry, i'm fine

otherwise, i feel like crap. real real real crap. i dont think i'll binge at all 2morrow, i might not eat. wutever i'm in the mood 4. like... i'll eat allot sometimes, but not so much that i like, gain tons of wieght or nething......... i just eat a lot. ............. .................. .............. yeeeeeeeeah. well, if there's nething u would like to know kobi, my email adresses r carrie.carebear10192@gmail.com and carebear10192@yahoo.com although u already knew that..... whatever.

Like i said, kobi is awesome, like my sister, luv her much!

l8er ya'll!!!!!!!!!!

Just An Entry

2005-04-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm currently talking to meet on the phone

MEET U'R SO MEAN- he wont say nething....

well, nm is happening, Meet wont tell me what he's thnkng bout. so hat sucks. i'm going to type this thing through and pray that ya'll can understand it cuz i'm not gonna cbackspaceat all. i'm kinda sort a dislecix cuz it runs in the family... form my moms side, typical,. and i'm just gona stop posting and check out my other 2 blogs aht i dont let ppl usually read.

luv ya mch

2005-04-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

Crying from my heart
Bleeding from my eyes
Seeing all the truths
Tangible they cannot hide

Releasing the memories
Killing the threats
Longing for the past at last
Wishing to forget

Ok, so Mrs. O'Connell if u'r reading this is would like 2 make 1 thing perfectly clear. u dislike me, and i know it. how did u get my URL? if u'r reading this i would like to say that i know waht u think of me and it's the way i am. i don'r intend to change, i put all my trust into u'r daughters and u knwo what? maB i shouldnt post all of my junk on this useless blog.

we all know that Megan's is 10 x worse but whatever u say Mrs. or Mr. O'Connell

Broken Girl

2005-04-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Y is that the title of this blog? well, i have been thinking a lot l8ly. wich might xplain y i post so much on this useless piece of a blog.... u know what i mean....whatever. so, i decided 2 eat, just cuz i wanted 2. well, i didnt want to, but my friends wanted me 2. like i said, my friends r my everything, so i guess i;ll eat now and again. i feel broken, i havent cn my friends since monday, wich sucks. i h8 the way i have been feeling. I'm listening to Helena by My Chemical Romance, Meet h8s that band. he says they suk........... i had the wierdest dream, and i'm not sure what to think of it. as u all know, i don't like meet more then a brother. but i had a dream and i was making out w/ him, then he changed into Angel, then back, then back again, back and forth. idk what it means, if it means nething at all. i dotn want meet 2 think something of that, cuz i'm in love w/ angel, but that was just the wierdest thing................. maB it means that i'm replacing Meet w/ Angel and vise versa. i mean, replacing love 4 love, and that's utterly scary. idk...... it was wierd, really really really wierd.

I went to Khols, and the BX. i got a thing of eye shadow and a pair of Hapy Bunny pj's, that was kool. yeah...........

All my poems r flat l8ly, still, i havent been able 2 write nething since like, may..... that's some crap. wutever tho.

I can't stop dreaming... and no i'm not talking about the dream that i told ya'll about in the first part of this.

I wish i had blue hair, of pink, or purple, or green.....or red, or black. or red and black, that would b so kool.

right now, i'm just posting random thoughts. so ya'll dont mid this certain entry. i'm effing

dude, south park is so kool........... i luv kenny!!!!!!!!!!

i would like ya'll to answer this question so long as i feel as high as a kite

how come is?

4 the record, i am not under the influence of any substance that could make me high, that means legal and ilegal so dont worry i'm just in an off mood.

Dudes, i jsut heard this sond by SOAD (System of a Down) and it ROCKS! it's called B.Y.O.B
here r the lyrics, they r awesome and i'm bored........... wutever........ here they r

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR!My god is of spiteful blood with morbid eels.Victorious, victorious, steel,Can you stand and kneel?Marching forward hypocritic and hypnotic computers.You depend on our protection,Yet you feed us lies from the table cloth.la la la la la la la la la,Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.kneeling roses disappearing,into Moses’ dry mouth,breaking into Fort Knox,stealing our intentions,every city gripped in oil,Crying FREEDOM!Handed to absolution,Still you feed us lies from the table cloth.La la la la la la la la la,Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.Blast off, its Party time,And we all live in a fascist nation,Blast off , its party time,And where the fuck are you?….. YeahWhere the fuck are you?Where the fuck are you?Why don’t presidents fight the war?Why do they always send the poor?Why don’t presidents fight the war?Why do they always send the poor? [X4]Kneeling roses disappearing,into Moses’ dry mouth,breaking into Fort Knox,stealing our intentions,every city gripped in oil,Crying FREEDOM!Handed to absolution,Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.la la la la la la la la la,Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.Where the fuck are you!Where the fuck are you!Why don’t presidents fight the war?Why do they always send the poor?Why don’t presidents fight the war?Why do they always send the poor? [X3]Why, do, they always send the poor [X3]They only send the poor [x2]

chances r that most ppl wont read that crap, but i'm jsut bored enough and blond enough 2 post that. o well...... what better thing do i have to do on a miserable sick day? so wutever.......... i wish i were 1) on a Florida Beach, sun bathing and dreaming or 2) hot gluing my hands 2gether

hmmmm, that's almost as scary as me and meet in that day dream.

blah blah blah blah............

i wonder how many ppl read this utterly pointless thingamobobber?

Yes, black and Pink hair would b absolutly AWESOME, insane and jacked up looking, but what do i care how many preps stare at me in the mall?

I'll post l8er if i feel like it dudes, right now i think i'll go check out other ppl's blogs. i already looked at meet's and i looked at meg's and lyssy's and kris's and ari's (although ari never posts nething) but hey, how do i know that they didnt post something? well, in necase ill go!

LUV YA'LL!!!!!!!!!!

Just Some Stuff

2005-04-27T09:38:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm home sick again 2day..... i can hardly stand, let alone walk and talk and other crap i usually do allot of. i almost passed out, and i hope my bestest of friends dont read this jsut cuz........ well, i prolly, no, i SHOULDNT b annerexic, or however u spell that crappin word. I have yet to talk to a shrink, although i intend to. whatever good it may or may not do. i guess we'll c, but however things go i hope that i am feeling better. i feel soe obligation to do a brief on all of my friends, i would kill myself if ne of yall were 2 die. more then likely within a couple days tops of when i found out. NOT sayng that i'll kill myself, but i am xtremely friend centered l8ly, 4 reasons that r unknown. but i love them to dea...... u know what i mean.

Kristen O'Connell- always striving to b an individual, it pi$$e$ me off so d@mn much when ppl call her a me wannaB, and yes they do, i slapped the last person that said that, and it made me feel a lot better. well, she's possibly my best friend on this planet! Not only because we both have our own minds, but because she is 1 of the few ppl that i know will b honest w/ me. and when she feels she cant b, 1) theres a serious problem 2) she tells me that she cant tell me the whole truth, and that is y i have the utmost respect 4 her. i know i dont completely understand her, maB I never will, but if she's ever ready to talk to me, i will b there 4 her. i know that she doesnt think that i pay mind to her views and oppinions, but when it comes down 2 it i do. lke when i was on the phone w/ her. it was the day after i got that heart breaking not from Angel. If it wasnt 4 her, i would not have had the courage to sneak out of my window to go and c him. i can trust her w/ all of my secrets, knowing full well that they will not b repeated. maB we do get in some.....desagreements (to put it lightly) but in the end i lover her to death and she will always b 1 of my best friends........ no, not best friend, more like a sister.

b4 i continue, when i say "best friend" i do not mean favorite friend, just xtremely close friend

Alyssa Mooningham- i have not known her 4 a very long time but she is still one of my very besterest of friends! she is so fun 2 b around, and i am very happy that i met her! i would pst more, but like i said, i havent known her 4 very long. LISSY ROCKS!!! and i just love her

Meet Modi- He is 1 of my more recent of friends, but i love him to death! I dont wanna post his crap, u can just read his blog 4 that, then again Lissy and Kris have their own blogs, but that's ok. What i will say is that i wish he believed me when i say i trust him, because he is awesome! and again, less then a best friend and more of a brother. Ppl insist that he lieks me more then.... well i'm just gonna go out and say it... They effing think he wants me to b his girlfriend! (phew) neways, i will believe that when i hear that certain rumor from his mouth, not just gossip because i trust that if he did he would tell me. He is so awesome, and i love him like a brother!

Megan O'Connell- (just 4 u i didnt put u by Kris) :) neways, she is so kool. i've known her since the 3rd grade and we are the best of friends. i think that maB she might need to b a bit more..... well, a bit less troubled. but i cant really talk................... not the point, we all need a bit of help. that means every1 i associate w/ and that's jsut cuz well..... we're all diffrent. Megan doesnt xactly approve of my more stupid decisions, then again i look back and disagree w/ MOST of my stupid decissions. in fact, i h8 most of my decissions, but they have already been made. i love Megan because i can trust her, talk to her, believe in her, even when idk what to do w/ life. she is so awesome and i'm glad that she's my friend. we can b moody 2gether, cuz i know that is 1 thing i will always b, i dotn hold nething against her. and i guess thats because she is her own person and if theres 1 thing i absolutely cant stand is trying to change ppl. especailly ppl like Megan who have so many beautiful thoughts

Jhakobi Jamerson- one of my very bestest friends. She lives in Louisiana, wich sucks cuz i miss her dearly. I luv catching up w/ her, and i'm glad that although she is grounded, she can still talk long distance. Poor Kobi........... being grounded sucks. I LUV AND MISS HER AND SHE NEEDS TO VISIT VERY SOON!!!!!! that's allot of caps.............. lol

Bijal Shah- my very squishy friend! (dotn ask about the squishy, it's an inside joke that i might xplain l8er.) neways, she was my H.D. partner and i just love her, she is fun 2 b around and although she is a diffrent kind of person, who (especailly me) can complane about being a bit odd?

and of course, i have friends at Mills

Julie Pyle- is so awesome! i keep in thouch through emails, and sometimes i can talk to her when i go walk to mills. I hope that she gets better, she is kinda...... offfff........ but thats not a problem. she is so Kool!

Ari (who now goes to NP) she is really kool and although i dont consider her a sister i still think she's really kool and i wish that i could talk to her more.

Jesal Shah- is Bijal's sister and my "mom" lol, one more inside thing. :) she is a kool person and is one of the older ppl that i can really talk to, cuz she is really kool and really awesome. LUV U MOMMY

then of course there's my sister at Mills who's name is

Rachel, awesome chick that i hope i can get to know better.

well, there r many others like Amberly, Stacy, and Josh, Jo, KP, but this blg entry is quite long and my fingers r tired and i can barely keep my head up so il talk to ya'll l8er.

luvmuch,
Elaine

Just Some Stuff

2005-04-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Some Crap

2005-04-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sick right now. It's cuz i'm taking up anerexia again, so my stomach is empty wich gives me migranes- and yes i know that i can't spell worth nething- neways, on Sunday i snuck out to c Angel, got caught, crap......................... I know all of my friends r tired of me going on and on about him.......... but in my heart i trust him and i love him........... so i get on my friends nerves wich sucks.......... and i got grounded from the phone, and the computor, and my dvd player (i use it to listen to music-not watch dvd's) as well as the tv and lastly Cing angel. in other news, i think ima go to c the school counselor. Just cuz i know i need some help mentally......... that's scary- i think one f these days i'll go to Bridgeway of Pinacle or some or another. especailly if i keep up the suicidle buisness BUT I HAVE BEEN OFF THAT 4 A LONG TIME, just 4 the record. in fact, the last time i think i tried that crap was................... hmmmmm, it's been to long to remember when, that's a pleasent thought. But i'm anerexic, and ppl have been commited 4 crap like that, i know some1 that was commited 4 being bolemic..... well I dont, but my friend has, so.............. wutever. otherwise, i think i'm going to Burns Park on Sunday w/ Sojourn. That's my youth group. And that's pretty kool. It's a cook out, wich isnt so cool cuz i'm a vegetarian, and well.......... that other reason......................

I would like to say something bout Angel- like i usually do- so if u dont wanna read stuff bout him then dont read this next paragraph. just a friendly warning dudes

I suppose the reason that there's so much between us is cuz i'm not only moody but in love. that's a very strong word, but i have never had a feeling in my mind that wasnt strong. it's either my life, or meeningless. for xample, i live 4 Kristen, Megan, Alyssa, Meet, Amberly, and all my other my other friends, including Angel, cuz they mean everything 2 me. but school, well as u can rolly tell from my frequent spelling errors, i woudlnt even go if my friends werent there. when it comes down to it, i would trust all of them with my life. as for Angel specifically, i'm so up and down w/ him cuz that's the type of person i am, there are a couple of things that make my mood go up and down, and that's my..... condition, lies, and love. so of course, i'm up and down a lot. ey, it's not my fault, kinda, but u know what i mean......... it never SEEMS like my fault, but wutever........ i know yall r tired of reading this useless thing so maB i'll update l8er.

luvmuch, Elaine

Blah

2005-04-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend was kool. i went to Amberly's party on Friday directly from school. me and Lauren Daniels made peace, she\s actually kool outside of school and i'm glad that she's my friend. I stayed till 2day w/ Amberly and Stacy, who is now closer to us, and we went to the River Market. The twins went home early, and Bijal and Lauren went home Friday night. I was acting a bit off i think, but it was all kool. I'm stil pondering whether or not to b this or that, but i think that i will look all kool, but still keep my beliefs and morals. just cuz i can do that, and i shouldnt have to dress a certain way to have a certain religion. ok, so otherwize i'm bored..... bored......... bored.

and o ya, i'm upset about my relationshp situation. Angel told DJ we werent going out. And he might b going w/ some chick named Emmy. i honestly dont believe he earned my trust, so it was quite EZ to slip. but i'm still undecided, idk what to believe w/ them nemore. well, thats about it, i havent spoken to meet, and i wish i had, and i'm glad i got to c my chick friends this weekend.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh im in 1 of those moods, so ima go take a nice long warm bubble bath................

*sigh* i'm blah 2night.

Undecided

2005-04-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm feeling quite strange l8ly. Me and Angel officially go out. Igot caught sitting on his lap and listening to music when my parents were gone somewhere. no matter what they say, and i h8 to say this

i think that in the bottom of my heart my dad wishes i were something else, so does mom, and so does every1. My heart is being torn 2 diffrent ways. in 1way, i would give nething to just b that good person that i know i could b, on the other hand, i dont know how ppl will react. i've always been the dark 1 and the 1 that needs the shrink and i like me. but i h8 who i really am. i push ppl away and i dont care about myself and that worries me in a way. i shiould care more. but y? i have found a new faith and have been saved. it feels good, but i dont know if i'm doing this new me right. on 1 hand i want to stay myself, not let any1 change me, live the life i really feel like living. on the other hand, if i were good then could i really b me? am i bad? Idk it's not my fault, but idk. it is my fault, right? that's what they tell me. that's what they want me to think....believe. i dont feel as though i can open up to Angel as i could with some of my other closer friends. but i am in love w/ him and it's all i can do not to just make out w/ him. g2g...........

Hey...............................................................

2005-04-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

it was only a kiss.............. just a kiss from an angel.

Dj lied on him, thinking i wouldnt like him, and he came by, i love him, and he's my b/f.
yall, it was just a bit of a kiss...........................................................................................................

Just this

2005-04-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, i'm heartbroken, this is the only way ima get this on my blog
sorry it prolly wont rhyme

i look into those pools of beauty you call eyes
and i cannot grasp my heart, i love you so dearly, heart soul and mind
what to believe, what to do, i can't decide, i'm too confused
who you are and from where you come, so cruel, i cannot resist
and i hate myself for falling again, drowining in these pools of emotion in the sea of your eyes
reaching for something to believe in, something that's true, all that i can tell, is that i dont know what i am to you.
nothing is making sense, and where do we stand?
do you love me like you say you do, or is this all a lie
are they telling the truth, all i can say is goodbye

© Elaine Becker

Wednesday i was saved. feels good. he was there. i really thought he was an angel. My Angel. i suppose i was dreaming too real, too much, too often. After that night, i told him i loved him too. then the next day he said when i told him that, he was thinking "two words: my future"

idk what all i've posted, so ima tell a whole long story

one day, i was chillin in my front lawn, DJ came over, he was flirting, and Angel got mad as he11. that was the day he wouldve asked me out. he didnt. he wont. neways, he gave me a note saying how much he luved me. and x-plained the situation. he thought i liked dj, and of course i dont. i was a b!+ch. (again, thats y i h8 myself- always with that crap) neways, i was almost in tears till he held me in his arms. i snuck at 8:00 :(. i need 2 quite that shet. i will, i was doing better, cuz i was gonna 2day, and didnt :). neways, all that crap and we continued to flirt.

then the church

now today, well, ya, 2day, lol :( . i'm confused. hey, its not my fault. so neways, the poem x-plains. and idk what........ ya'll dont wanna heat bout this shet.

As Tears Flow

2005-04-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

hey there ya'll. instead of a long entry about how bad my day was, i\m gonna say stuff about 3 things and try to keep it at that. firstly, Meet. Yes meet i do trust u, i know u talked to kris and she told u pretty much everything i would wanna tell u. i will bring u your things 2morrow.
for those of u who do not know me, meet is one of the boys i my tight nit group. well we kinda got into an arguement. about a whole trust issue. i know he thinks i dont think that he cares, and that i put Angel b4 him. but u know what, i am who i am. this is the person i will always be. and i know u h8 me right now, but i also know i cannot stay mad at u. i hope u feel the same right now. or in the near furure if now is not possible. will update l8er (kicked off the computor)

A LONG A$$ ENTRY - Them

2005-04-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm listening 2 caught up... luv this song.... USHER IS HOT!
sorry, had to get that out of my system.

ok, so first of I have a message 4 u Megan

IM SORY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY etc....

Because i know your feelings towards "them" but i still blocked u. i was ticked at the world, and upset with Angel. truth is, i do wanna go w/. him. and that suks, cuz i dont think i can. He wont even come and c me. like, not a word since he said that he wasnt in the mood to talk. (although he almost beat up this dude 4 calling me ugly) not the point, my opinion stands and i can c y u dotn care 4 him as much as u would a more sk8er, rocker dude. not u'r fault, i'm just tired of dudes like that. not the point. point is: i'm SORRY 4 blocking u cuz i didnt wanna talk about em and i was a total b!+ch. and i hope u will 4give me.

so 2day was BORING AS HE11! i had to go to the crystal mines, hours to drive there and couldnt talk to Megan or Meet or "them" lol nutmeg.... inside thing.... NEWAYS caps, sori, or Kris or Josh (although he's a chain mail sending.........) I STILL LUV YALL! but neways, i dug through some dirt and found like.... nothing.... crap. i wish i couldve spent my day talking on the phone and talking to ppl. DJ came over, to talk, and Angel got protective again. not my fault or DJ's fault that he wont talk to me. so i have to have SOME company... right? i had just gotten home to, so dont say i couldve talked on the phone, i didnt even make it in the house. but that was only 4 2 minutes tops. he left to try 'n' get angel so we could talk, but like usual the dude didnt wanna talk to me :(. i wish he wasnt so shy to talk to me... i have so much i wanna know bout him. PLEZE DONT HATE ME! ima start a new section so that ya'll will know what the mess i talk bout dude. if u wanna know about them then u can read this little bit of crap.

THEM:

Angel (but of course)- He is 14 and the dude that i currently like...alot... neways, he's shy and he is in 8th grade. he had mrs. pedro 2-h8's her. Kinda bad, but i dont believe sayng ne1's bad. (will be discussed in a later post.) neways, he's jsut..... not that i have an objection to being stood up 4... protective. i like that about him. what good is having an emotion that u cannot support? he does, and it drives me wild. though i will not admit it to...

DJ- 12 years old, in the 7th grade. he likes me, but i dont like him like that. but he's a totally kool dude 2 hang around. Angel gets mad at him 4 flirting with me. but i still like to talk to him cuz he's awesome. he's a Christian, and i'm so friggin happy that he dont try and convert me (speaking of wich, ima go to church on Wednesday... jsut sayin) neways, he looks hilarious in his formal cloths, i was busting out laughing when i saw him. not his fault, but lol, i still think that. He also has a little brother named...

Chase- an adorable little person. he's the most adorable little dude EVER, and i say that as in, jsut wanna pinch his cheeks. u know? not liek that.... i'm not gross and sick like that. I aint sure how old he is, but hes young.

Chippy- he's Angel's little cousin. his name aint Chippy, but he looks like a chipmunk. (sorry b4 hand 4 spelling error) his name's Izai. Zay. and i know he dont lke me calin him a chipmunk, but he seriously does! CHIPPY!!!!!! he makes the cutest little adorable angry face when i call him that. lol.

(even b4 all the fame and ppl, screaming your name, i was there, and u were my baby! started when were younger u were mine........ listening to My Boo)

now who else? o ya... Sam. he's out on the trampoline allot. sometimes i'm on the balcony and we have just a little conversation. i get bored. he's older then Chippy and Chase, but still kinda young. we (now when i say we: i dont meen them but me and Kobi, she was over when we gave nicknames) neways.... sometimes they are at his trampoline, but i never talk to them. idk y, but i suppose it's cuz i've only seen em on there like... once maB. i know i saw angel on one of the days we didnt talk.

hhhmmmm, theres also one other little dude, idk his name nemore. saw him the day i snuck out. and also this guy, dont know his name or nething. i only heard em call him reT. i think that's really mean, but he talks crap too much and i dont wanna try to change a single one of them so wutever.

O YA! there's 2 brothers named James and Joe. they kinda sick minded, i tell them they don't enjoy their youth enough. both like me. like i said, dont enjoy their youth. they have 4ever to talk about sick crap and check out girls. they need to be more...... youthfulll. Joe is younger, and idk his grade or age. James is in 5th, pretty sure he's 11. idk, but either that or 10. so maB he ran out of youth, and maB he's suffering the same fate as me. being mature since they could understand the concept of maturity. sad..... but 11 is kinda a good age to start being more mature. idk bout him..... he wierds me out. like mature.... but guy imature... kinda mature but in an imature way. wutever, he's not kool. i just prolly need some time to get over the perverted jokes. it happens. so dont h8 him or nething. we just aint tight........... so young

i think he's the last one of them Aaron. i have no idea how u spell his name, but o well. he's jsut like James, xcept he's Angel's step brother. sums it up i think. but if by some thing i missed one of them i will post in appology and give info.

The reason i posted such a long (and time consuming) blog entry is so i dont have to xplain em l8er. and so ya'll will know who the he11 i talk about on this useless piece of crap.

"and all the feeling that i thought were gone... came rushing back to me at once.... " now listening to Truth Is. no meaning behind this closing song! it's just a kool song.

luvmuch, Elaine
ps, Rachel, i'm going to b rebelious as well so long as i'm in the mood 2morrow! >:)

Something and Nothing etc....

2005-04-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start this blog with something slightly confusing.

Something cannot be nothing because something is something and something is something because it's something. meaning this "something" is actually called something. and the word something describes having an object or thing.
Nothing is something because it is nothing and nothing is nothing because it is nothing. self explanitory.

ok, now, i would like to know what nothing u mean meet. "haha suks to B u" 2 quote our conversation. neways..... allot has happened

As 4 Lyssy, i was real off when i wrote that junk. i dont h8 her and i dont think she's a b

and 1 more issue. Angel. i met a guy, and i reallly thought he was.... well lets just say i approve. :) very much. he likes me, i like him. u know the deal. we dont go out... yet. i'm hoping that we will, but i might be too flirty 4 him. he's protective. and i dont support the fact that he calls me "his girl" i want to make something perfectyl clear here and now. i cannot be owned although i can c y he was sayin that. well 2day-2night- i was so sad. he went over to my house, through my yard to get his bike, and didnt accnowledge the fact that i xisted. i was ticked of course, adn so i think i mighta got an attitude. so i told his brother to tell him i was sorry 4 being a b1+ch. when i did talk to him, he was like... "i wasnt in the mood".... i know what, u dotn have 2 b in ne particular mood to say 4uck1ng hello or hi or nething! maB we would work out... but if we didnt it would be because of the fact that he's 2 years older then me, i\m flirty, and he dosent know that i'm an x-annerexic and an x-cutter and that i used to be suicidle. i know ppl reading this worthless thingy prolly dont care. but 4 those of u who do. a: thanx b: i'll take care of the situation as best i can. i'm not gonna chase after him, and if he likes me when he knows that i dont chase dudes, and i am flirty, and ppl have reason to call me senile, then i think he'll be a good b/f. every girl deserves a guy that'll stand up for them, i dig that bout him. and i hope that he aint as mad as i think he is. so ya............. somethings and nothings...........

2005-04-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i'm feeling kinda better. kobi's over at my house, dad sucking up to me. i'm getting used to him being around...i guess... he still dont understand a single thought in my head, but then again hardly ne1 does. hell I hardly understand some of the thoughts in my head. o well... i guess i'll live. what i understand now is whether i like it or not, my dad's around and getting used to it is.... it just is. but if he starts interfeiring (god i cant spell) then i'm going to be the same way i was when he came here in the first place. cold as effing ice. ok, in other parts of this crap i call my life, Alyssa is a B!+CH now she was my friend. but she told the whole effing school all of my buisness. she's false... like a little plastic figure that hit the windsheild of a car cuz a little baby threw her out the window, leaving a big dent. i can't believe i trusted that....deep breath, she's just a shallow low life. ok, i'm better now. but i still h8 her and i will NEVER trust her with nething as long as my heart is beating.

Kinda Down l8ly

2005-03-26T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ya, so I'm just a ickle bit down. So i finished my SFS book. I'm failing that class, but i dont honestly care anymore. I really dont like that teacher Mrs. Pedro. But neways, the book. I luved it, but i h8ed it. The story was wonderfull in all aspects. Well worded, a nice flow, exciting and mellow when i wanted it to be. it was like, dramatic, and this is what happened. This chick, the main charactor went to Breechwater for the summer. Her name was Desere, and she was like, a loner. well seh met this guy, he was a hitch hiker, and then she saw him at a party. wel they hooked up. and then, he got with this b, a real prep. then he was like, im so sorry i love you. and tehy were still 2gether. she also met these other peoples. Violet was her bff, and she was all punked out. her b/f was spike. billy had a older brother named Cliff. Then a realy kool dude named Josh. Josh was really smart and stuff liek that. there were also some other people that i'm not in the mood to ty to remember. well they all hung out and stuff. then they went to this awesome rock concert and reserected they're old gang called the Outlaws. Cliff was the leader. And after a while they were at this dugout. well spike was in a rebellios mood then anyway. si neways, this cop LaRocca or whatever his face was came up and sarted harrasing em. so when he finally left spike was all like, he knew a way to get back at LaRocca. They made a plan to rob his liquor store. Billy was in, and he asked Des to go live with him. They had plans to run away forever and have a little boy. Well she wantede more time and he was being a reall jack a$$. When she wouldnt go with him, he told her that he h8ed her. that she was jsut like eveybody else and other crap to hurt her feelings, then left her there to cry. well after that, they went and tried to rob the place. spike shot LaRoccas son, and was sent to prison. Billy split. Well Spike ratted out on him and he was staying at this one place. Then the cops were coming to get him, and Des and Josh went to save his tail. LaRocca shot at Billy, and Josh took the bullet. He died, anmd Billy got away. Des was really sad bout the whole thing, and everybody was so frigging sad. Billy left the state, and got another chick pregnant. they had a son. Des still loved him with all of her heart and regretted not going with him. she had to say goodbye to all her friends, her new family. To go live with her dad that h8s her and som 30 year old step mother named Kimi. they dont understand her at all. But all Billy could say was I remember. She never got to tell him how much she truly loved him. I was kinda emotionally attatched to her. She was liek me. I dont wanna end up liek that. and the ending of it all made me cry my untill my eyes hurt so bad. i was sad all frigging day. and i know it dont matter much, but it didnt help that KP didnt email me 2day. and when he does now, it isnt luvya, its lylas. what ever the mess that is. i dont care nemore that i dont know what it means, i want him to say luvya, wich is really bad. he has a g/f. but he said he did, like a brother. i have so many kool a$$ brothers, o well. i guess i;ll get over it. i mean, Lauren D. is still attatched to him. like mad i mean, but still.

KP if you ever read this, i'm not trying to be a b about the situation. I'm jsut crazy a little, and crazy people can over react right? ok, so ya/ i'll keep everything posted.

o, i almost 4got. a meet situation. I dont think he acts horribly like a father figure. A lot like a brother, but its really wierd that my friends said that. And how i found out, i was like, you're not my dad dude. cuz he was like, dont go out in the rain and get nemonia. lol, thats strange. but ya, jsut a brother. NOT A DAD, BROTHER. Like that u know? so ya, now i'm done, still moody, and still kinda down l8ly

luvmuch, Elaine

The Same Old Shit

2005-03-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

If you have your close friends, and friends that you just kinda hang around, and you had to choose wich ones to keep, you would pick the closer friends, right? I know for a fact that my friends are the most iportant thing to me in the entire world. I dont have a b/f and i dont want 1 quite frankly. He'd just be another weight on my ankle, and i can't take that. Especailly not now. KP is awesome, sometimes. but he can be immature and back stabbing, thats y he isnt the person i cry for. Kris is totally kool, but sometimes she ignores me and she thinks she knows everything about me. SHE DOSENT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT ME. and i knwo thats exadurating just a bit. but only abit. the only one of my friends that makes any sense sometimes is KP, and of course Meet. I know im probably gonna fight about this entry at a l8er time. but i dont care, i write for myself, and im my only friend that i've got sometimes. I dont even understand myself, so how are other people gonna say that they care, i know fully well that they dont. saying that is like saying let me see the real you and i dont wanna see the real me sometimes. let alone let some1 else try to figure me out. Besides, how are they gonna help? if theres some1 who can Pleze tell me. I think that i might just need a little bit of help. I haven't seen a shrink yet, but they dont sound like they could me a best friend. AAAAAAAAAA

i h8 saying best friend, its the same thing as saying favorite friends. I dont pick favorites in anything. I pick people i love and peopel i like, then people i cant stand. Maybe thats wy all of my friends think that guys are more immportant to me. But they need to know something. Some of my "best friends" are guys. i know very well that I can talk to Josh and Meet and sometimes Phillip and lots of times KP. but people like Chase are just fun to look at, maB if i knew him he could be in the group of dudes that i could talk to. but u know what, wutever. If my "friends" dont accept me, then they're not my true friends. they are people i like, and they can turn into people i cnat stand. I love Meet, and I'm not afraid to use that word, love. It's strong, but in my eyes theres no such thing as an emotion that isn't strong. I love Kody, I love Kristen, I love Megan, I love Bijal and lots of people. I would die for all of them. But i'm mad right now, so im prolly gonna say a lot of BS, and im also gonna say things that i wouldnt have the guts to say otherwise. I have so many feelings that i cant explain to myself, or to others, sometimes i just can't write and i just sit here and think. Same old same old, maybe things'll change quickly, maB not. But im almost certain, no, i'm certain that things wont stay the way that they r right now.

I'll fix everything, Elaine

Life Is Hard

2005-03-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, my dad came home, and i did things. people found out. now my friends think i need help. i know i do, as much as i really h8 to admit it. i do, and it gets me mad, because i dont wanna be this empty thoughtless person that i've become. i h8 myself, wich leads to worse things. contemplating suicide is not a good thing, especailly when your at 12 years of age, its just not right. and thinking of that just makes me so sad. and then people worry, and then they pay attention, wich i h8. because being the center of attention is bad. then they wory more and its hard. everythings 2 hard. i'm sick. and i dont think that anybody can help me. i'm sitting here about to cry, and nobody is caring, nobody understands. thats all i really want- every1 else is understood, y cant i be?

i hope i get help (as much as i h8 it)

i guess ill keep things posted, if i can

Whats up with my friends

2005-03-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Well l8ly my friends have been acting really strange. I have gotten in a fight with Kristen almost every day since me and KP. Like it really ever happened like that. But i seriously dont blame her, its partially my fault. I was a realy B all week and i kinda let it out on her. But she wasnt exactly making me better, in any case im glad we're totally friends. I'm writting a book and i put some things in it. Just about my life, I'm still working on it. But something is stressing me a bit...... Lyssy......OMG i swear ima slap her 1 of these days. She keeps on sayin that i like meet, and i so DONT i mean, he's my FRIEND, and nothing more. I think he's mad at me 4 some reason

Meet if u read this I'm sorry 4 wutever i did, i'm sorry 4 breaking my promise, pleze dont be mad.

So even if he dosent read this, it feels better just saying im sorry.

Sometimes i honestly dont think that nebody in this whole world cares bout how i end up. Like, if i died, nobody would go to my funeral, and nobody would cry. It's a depressing to think, but i'm not depressed, well, atleast i dont think so. MaB some people think so, but they have no idea how i feel. It there's som1 out there that cares, then they dont really understand. They're only concerned because its new. I'm a new thing, a new threat. I'm never really gonna fit in with the kind of people that i like. I like everybody really, but theres few people that liek me. U know those people i was talking abotu who "care" well, they care more about demolishing the treat then making me feel good or happy. But i think ill fare pretty well on my own. How hard could it realy be?

Just Whats New

2005-03-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well..... sice i last updated.... i wuz going out with kp. That didnt last AT ALL, not that it was BAD, but it was really weird, so he called me and we broke up. I dont consider us ever going out, since it lasted about 24 hours, less, thats uuuuuuuuuughhhhh. and he goes back w/ Lauren. I dont really care cuz being single is kool. Speaking of that sort of thing, I think I'm officially over Josh. It was really weird, i called him (since FRIENDS can call friends.... just friends) and we got to talking about us in that way. i got him ticked off, and he was like ill 4give u if u'll go back out w/.... and i said no. I knew he was fixing to say KP, or Joe. He was like, y, so i told him i was gonna be single. He said even if I were asking u out. And i was like i would still say no. and was like well what if you were askin g me out? and are you saying u want me back? he was like, no. and i felt relief (after i liked him 4EVER) so it was just an odd fealing. Kobi's here at my house. and i got her to ask Josh y he broke up with me. (an lol type of thing) wich i might ad was the thing that got josh acting ticked. So neways, he said things were to complicated and he didnt like me like that nemore. its all good, but i have the strangest feeling about that conversation. What if he still liked me just an ickle bit like that? omg that would be wierd. So thats pretty much it dudes, ill keep things posted

luvmuch, Elaine

It Just Happened

2005-03-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

OK, for this update, i jsut said i would go w/ KP. I hope this dont change the way i can tell him things, and the way that we were like brother and sister. thats not left behind...right? even though i wasnt really supposed to go w/ ne1 till tomorrow. but thats ok. whats a day gonna hurt? so ya, just sayin.

luv, and ill update l8er,

Elaine

What's new

2005-03-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

Well, i won 1st place at history day. i should be more xcited, but im more happy that Kody, Chase, Daniel, and these PA dudes won. I get to c them at Conway, cuz thats state and we all placed. Megan, Kristen, and Bijal (well of couse Bijal my partner) are also going. So on April 16h ima go.
But while were talking about friends

Josh Update: I'm actually starting to get over him i think. I like being his god friend again, no tention. He asked Bit Bit out again in 3rd period, but she turned him down. I'm kinda glad, cuz then she would break up with him.... not comfortable being like that...

So neways, in other parts of my life... i am now i Christian. I went to church with Bit Bit, and i went and got Jesus excepted in my heart. This will definately take some getting used to. It felt really right to do, and i think i needed a religion, something to count on, something that i can turn to, and is always gonna be there. Religion is like, not perfect, if it were, then people would have known that Jesus was really who he claimed, and would not have had to do all the things he did 4 us, not to preach.

Last Par Megan (inside thing)

Kody Pruss likes me like that, and idk what to do. Idk if i like him enogh to go w/. it would be awkward. I mean, ive known him since the friggin 3rd grade, ( when he liked me) but back then i had a crush on him 2. I'm really not totally sure our feelings r mutual, what if he likes me more than i like him? it is just a like thing, i dont do love, 6th graders arent suppsosed to do love. I mean, Morgan and Meet turned out lying and h8ng each other. What if i lose a friend over a stupid break up? well, ill c, cuz 2morrow i can officially start dating again. (xactly 1 month since me and joe) nohing wrong with self dicipline. so, ill keep an update! L8ER DUDES!

Reality's Dream

2005-03-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

lying awake in my bed
and so he comes and takes my hand
he reaches, but i turn away
turn my face and lie awake
but his feelings are far to strong for my will
they siezed my thoughts
and i am left there
alone, but with his company
i feel myself lifting
and it is the cool breeze touching our faces
grasping ahold of my thoughts and we are joined
i feel his arms wraping around my waste
feeling him by my side as we are suspended
and it is the breeze a bluster so we stay
i hear his whispers into my ear and they chant
"fly away with me forever more"
i cannot resist his honeyed voice
and so as i feel his lips resting on mine
quite suddenly i open my eyes
i have been awake in lie
but not a dream, for to sweet
the warmth too real
i know that was a true wind, so i repeat
"it was only a dream, a hopeless dream."

A poem more mature for my age, but i believe that it is well written to my taste.

© Elaine Becker

And The Truth Has Shown

2005-03-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

2day Bit Bit dumped Josh. ggggggrrrrr. i liked them going out cuz it was eZer to talk to him when he had a gf. but she kept on thinking of this other dude, and the prep squad kept on saying that he liked them. so they're over, i feel bad 2. cuz me and lissy were the ones that hooked them up, so its like we did it 4 no reason, if she broke his heart then ima break her neck! he said he wasnt sad, but idk. On a diffrent note, 2day was also Nashional Plant One On Somebody Day. So like the flirty girl i am, I totally kissed joe, cheek of course, but it was still fun to be able to flirt uncontrolably without consequense, lol. I'm kinda nervous, History Day is 2morrow, and my performance still needs a little work. I hope Bijal came through with our papers, i dont even want to think about her not getting that done. otherwize nm has happened, but ill still keep posted.

Peace At Last, for now...

2005-03-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

YYYAAAAAAAAAAYYY! I finally cleared my name! I talked to Mrs. Calloway, she daid people were just saying rumors, well i know that part, but im glad that she isnt being a stupid b****. I went around spraying peoples hair with pink hair stuff, lol! I had brought it for Kody, and then Meet wanted some. It just kinda skyrocketed from there. I got Kody, Meet, Meet got this 7th grader, Alyssa, Sarah, Meet also got Chace and Chance, Alex K., Berry, Daniel N., and of course i got some.

Meet also got over it, and made up with Morgan (who somehow thought i liked him and got worried) but they're all better. I'm kinda sick of people saying that we go out, or should... wutever. still suks. And in other relationships Chace broke up wtih his g/f Lauren (aka 2nd in comand of the prep squad) so theres .al0so another couple going down the drain,

Josh Update:

Alyssa pulled Josh aside to talk to him. She was, of course, one of the 2 of us that made them go out. neways, she told him that if they didnt do anything that couples do, thenthey dont need to go out. They really dont hug....at all.... like, 2day he asked for a hug, and she just said no. well bit bit (brittanie) sat there and listenened to lissy (alyssa) tell her b/f that they shouldnt go out. in my honest oppinion, they should be a little more, themselves, but it is their relationship and they can do what they think is right. i just wish they were a wittwe bit happier, so their time might be kinda cut short. i guess we'll c.0

The other day my dad talked my mom out of an apointment, thank god. (did i already post about that? wutever) so neways, im like... better, i guess. and Eathan was trying to figure out y i was depressed, and he found out about my arm, so all in all it was a pretty kool day, and i hope that this kinda feeling keeps on, its kinda kool to feel not depressed.

The More it Happens

2005-03-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

OMG! 2day at school, people i didnt even know were talking about me behind my back. I also found out 2dday, that Alyssa didnt tell the counselor on me, it was Brittanie! So not only is she going out with my x, she's telling people that need a psychiatrist! i cant even frigging spell the word for crying out loud! Now, everybody's talking about me being a stoner, and i haven't even been contact hi. Just because i had a little run in with a sharp little friend, that dosen't mean that I'm entirely crazy.... just a little bit sometimes.... But thats not all... oh no, definately not... The worst part of my day, Meet Modi, practically my BEST FRIEND, wont even talk to me. I was so depressed, I could hardly take my IOWA test. And writting is really the only thing i can do, but i was still so sad. I honestly now, dont even care what people say. But when they take it so far as to try and get me susspened for something that i didnt do, thats where i tell them tio shut the f*** up. Because they dont need to be talking about crap they really dont even know about. And its just this kind of thing that can get a girl pod. The only bright part of the day was when Josh and KP called me, it made the whole day better.

maB it'll blow over within a week or so. (sigh)

What a Load of Bull S***!!!!!

2005-03-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

OMG! I trusted one of my best friends to know that i was a "cutter." I dont think of myself as 1, jsut kinda troubled...only a little....yaaaaaaaa... But she didnt have to tell my school counselor! Now my mom knows, but instead of taking it like a normal person... o no... shes schedaling an appointment as if im some kind of freak! I mean, i've only done it a couple times.... and it wasnt all that much... o well. i h8 psychiatrists, not only do they scare me, they try to changte people, wich i h8. if i hadnt told Alyssa, she (my mom) never would have even freaking known. im not crazy, just a little misserunderstood. sh!+ like this is so messed up, ill think twice be4 trusting her again. I know she cares, but she didnt have to do that to me, i htought taht we were on the same page, friends, maB i was wrong.

A Josh Update:

One of my best friends, Brittanie Jhons, is now cuddling with my x. I know i practically forced her, but thats only because she does like him, and they should go out. It was the only hting I could do, I wasn't gonna be the bithchy prep who wouldnt let their friend go w/ a guy. So what if he's my x that i still have feelings 4? ok... that came out kind of wrong, it sounded so much better in my thoughts, but still.... not the point, she does like him, i love him, but she still likes him. And thats something i wont interfere with. so wutever, they're not going to last 4ever, right?
so ill post l8er about my apointment (dang that sounds so bad)

A Dark Poem "Phone, Blood, Air, and Sky"

2005-03-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

I am the still and silent suffering
I need someone and no one to come for me
For misery is the only thing granting me company

Little by little my soul has quietly died
And the phone, the blood, they meet the air and the sky
For in my mind they they spread and fly

A single cold cliff in my imagination and mind
I'm falling off the edge of all that's simple and kind
And I know that I am guilty of all peace I cannot find

And the darkness that I have always held inside
Has released its self and i cannot hide
It shall consume and I will soon die

© Elaine Becker

This weekend was dull

2005-03-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

This weekend was all and all...only ok. Jhakobi came over and the whole old group went to the mall (with so many super cute boys) but at the end of the day the twins, Kris and Meg, were upset at their mother behavior towards Jhakobi's situation. In another part of the weekend, my best friend Meet finally got on a date with Morgan and I couldnt be happier for him. I know that he worries about me sometimes, wich makes him an awesome friend. Also, last night my mom and brother, Winston, were fighting once again. They have no respect for each other sometimes, and could both be more patient, especaily Winston.
I hope next weekend will be better.

current times

2005-03-04T19:20:00.000-08:00

I am currently single, since the 15th of February. But things were slightly more complicated.
Josh Thomas was my boy friend of almost 3 months, (how very short lived) But i truly did love him, if there can be love at sich a young age. When he called me on the phone atabout 8:oo on Feb. 3rd, saying that he didnt love me any more. I was so devastated. But there was a guy that I had already been talking to... just a little... as a kool friend...neways, and he asked me out the next day. So I of course, already liking him, said yes. But it was even more short lived due to my nosy friend who practically broke up with Joe (the guy) for me, I only finished the job. I'm also slightly troubled due to the absence of poetry, sometimes it's the only thing i can ever relate to.

My best friend from the is coming for a visit from Louisiana, she will sadly be leaving tomorrow (sigh) but I'm sure that this weekend will be eventfull and if anything truly important occurs, I will post.